As is human nature, we try to remove or run away from pain. It is our coping mechanism but it isn't conducive to healing. When we are hurt by someone's actions it is generally because it has wounded a part of ourselves that requires healing, our inner child pain. Because most of us lack self-love we go into survival mode. We run, lash out, swallow it down or numb it out.
We can spit out biting words from our wounded ego aimed at those we believe have caused our hurt. Statements like "I will never forgive you for this!". Words expressing anger and birthed from pain. These statements are made in reaction to the shock and the heart reacting in conjunction with the ego. It is an attempt to reject the reality that has hurt you.
In all honesty, not being able to forgive straight away is fine. And I say this from the point of view that forgiving straight away may be causing repressed emotions and pain because we believe we have done the right thing and given our forgiveness.
But, the flip side of this is when we have not been able to forgive long after the event. Carrying that hurt and resentment is unhealthy for you, both emotionally and eventually even physically.
We have all loved someone who has broken our hearts, some may have been friends, some may have been family and others may have been lovers. In most cases we use anger to protect our hearts, make them into the bad one, cut them out, pushed it down and moved on thinking we are ok.
We all hurt people. Normally it is our own inner child holding on to pain inflicted at a young age and because we haven't dealt with these issues we act at an unconscious level and, in turn, hurt others.
Over the course of our lives we will or have had to release people because our life paths went in different directions. But the way we choose to handle these situations makes a huge difference to your healing process.
So there are a few points I'd like you to keep in mind when dealing with the forgiveness process.
No one can make you forgive - You have to want to, how much longer do you want to hold onto this pain and give that person this power?
Most people don't intentionally hurt others - Those who hurt tend to be in deep pain themselves. This truth helps to connect to the persons humanity.
You can only control yourself - Keep the awareness on yourself, is there anything you can take responsibility for? even just 1%.
Love is always the answer - Send them love. Meditate, see them in from of you and give them your love.
Verbalising it gives it power - Say "I forgive (name)", out loud.
You have to let go - Let them go. Resistance to forgiving comes from wanting to be right over setting ourselves free from the pain.
Eventually there will come a time in your own emotional and spiritual journey when we come to the realisation that in order to set ourselves free and move forward we have to let go of the pain of the past. To find true freedom we have to truly forgive those concerned and that also includes forgiving ourselves.
Forgiveness has absolutely nothing to do with how wrong someone else was. No matter how hurtful, cruel, narcissistic or unrepentant they were or are. It is never about agreeing with what the other person has done but nor is about setting them free.
Forgiveness is for YOU! You are freeing yourself so you can live your life in peace, unburdened. When you forgive you break the bond between you and that person, taking back your power and redefining yourself.
Forgiving is not for others, it is for you! Forgiveness is not forgetting but is the ability to remember without anger. It frees your power and allows your body, mind and spirit to heal. It brings in peace where there once was turmoil.
I will finish here with a few quotes on forgiveness:
"Forgiveness does not change the past but it does change the future".
"When you hold resentment towards another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and set yourself free".
"Holding on to pain is like carry a red hot coal and hoping that it will burn the person that hurt you".
Embrace the forgiveness and remember to forgive yourself too!